Dogs. Teaching. Corona Virus and Me.

People are restless. The signs of restlessness are there all over the place. I get it. I'm a teacher. I've studied kids, watching for that turning away, loss of focus, that inability to hold on to what I was teaching in that moment. There's an art to keeping kids motivated and inspired enough to hold tight. I too have had a hard time holding on in times when I've felt that the control was not mine. In teaching,  I always had to know what the measurement of my students' true capability could be. 

I loved studying their patterns and their complexities, their abilities and inabilities.

I am, like them, very human. I have a hard time holding still. So, to ask me to sit, shelter and stay in place for any length of time, like this, seemed near impossible. What? No shopping, no restaurants? No yoga? In essence, no options? No, in and of itself is a bad word in my mind. Us humans like to control our own destiny. It's the American Way. 

My siblings always called me, "the brat." But I really didn't see myself that way. I was kind and tried to be somewhat giving. But if you asked for the last bite of my ice cream or the last bite of my Milky Way (only siblings, honest), I was not giving that to you. Even that didn't really get to me that much. I could stand my ground and defend myself after all. 

But to be told NO? Well, that was a good reason to declare a Murphy-sized war! We, Irish, do not take no very well. We can be giving as the day is long, but underneath all that, we can be a stubborn and resentful lot. But these days, I see we are not the only ones. So, the lesson I've learned in this time of NO to just about everything I used to do...is the ZEN of just staying put, and enjoying the stillness in the NOW. 

Worries about financial insecurity are rampant. I have my own concerns as well. For those of us who can, even if it means stretching our budget to its very end, making a donation to a local food bank is the way to go. Putting ourselves in the mind of those who have nothing...thinking about what it would be like if my cupboards really were bare and I had no option but to sit in my car on a long line and wait till I was provided for, that gives me pause. I am humbled by all of the people that wait. They are doing what's best for their kids and for themselves.

Gratitude is something to cultivate in this time of ZEN. Waking myself up to the beauty of nature has been the call I've been following. My dog is leading me there. I watch him sniffing around...I know, he's finding his spot! But he also sniffs the flowers just to sniff the flowers. I've never had a dog that did that before! He stops to watch that magnificent blue heron as if it's his own personal tv show!
And because of his alertness when it comes to things of nature, I am also more awake and watching for the little surprises that come my way. Last week, I stood at the pond's edge, just four feet away from a huge blue heron. To my surprise, he didn't flinch a bit. I moved closer and started to see what he was seeing--it was his little tv show. There, in front of me, sailing across the pond, were two geese and their four newborn goslings. And there, sailing toward them, but putting on the brakes and hanging out--were two big popped up eyeballs...seconds later, the full gator appeared. Small miracles, just for me.

I'm sure to many--my musings sound stupid, boring and unuseful in comforting their restlessness right now. But I think the Buddhists and the Spiritualists have it right.  I say, pick up Jon Kabat Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are or a little Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart.  Both their words are so human and works like these have fueled me and helped me in dealing with the things that are way out of my reach. Page by page, the wisdom unfolds.

It takes time to cultivate new habits, beliefs and experiences. Our time here is short. So, right now, in this moment, I'm asking myself--What is it that can fill me up, that all the running and shopping and doing used to do for me? A friend once told me that I am a human doing, wouldn't I rather be a human being? To just BE is my job today, like it or not, because being still will save a lot of grief for everybody else!

Seeing Things as Others See Them

My Daily Supplies

I know these are hard times. Super hard times. But they are also great times too. I'm not trying to be all rose-colored glasses here. But. I've been watching the little kids up the street from my upstairs window where I work. They're inside now, but they'll be out for their daily recess time and I'll be eavesdropping on their giggles, the scrape of their bikes and the their hot wheels. Last night, I was out in the dark and they were too. They'd found a toad with their mom and they were taking turns cradling it in the palms of their small hands. 

I heard the voices of neighbors shouting to each other across yards that never previously spoke to one another that I knew of, anyhow. 

But most of all, I see people walking, almost all singles with masks and some with no masks, waving to each other or chatting on the phone, like me, to people I haven't talked to in years. Reconnecting. Checking in. It's a good thing. 

So why is this being called 'draconian'? If it's draconian, maybe we need to strive for more of it. Busy lives, frenetic striving, pushing, always pushing to the top. Necessary? Well, I'm clearly not in my 30's and 40's anymore, the age I was when I was caught in that web of frenzy. But somehow that was where we lost it. We wanted so much more in material things than our parents could ever know or imagine. My parents never handed me anything. True, they couldn't. They died, both, by the time I was eleven. But. I got caught up in thinking I had to go so much further beyond what I'd had. No hand-me-downs for my kids, vacations every year (no regrets there!), free college, and all the gear that was put out there in the advertising world for us to latch onto. 

Advertising was the phenomena that fed us, the first tv generation. We saw it, wanted it, worked like crazy to gain/achieve all that material success. When I moved from CT, I filled dumpsters again and again with stuff. Acquired stuff. Now, without regret, but understanding, I've moved beyond that stuff.

We have this momentary pause button. It's not draconian, unless I choose to look at it that way. Those who want to use that word, in my opinion, are risky people. Sorry. I'm saying it. They lack perseverance. We Americans have PERSEVERANCE in our DNA. Those, like my dad, who fought on the beach heads were of that incredible generation. But we possess the same DNA. I have that fighting spirit in my DNA. My dad used to say, "You're a Murphy," which was synonymous with tough! We are a tough people, but we're also a kind people. 

It saddens me to think about the least of us on ventilators, the best of us on the front line, the horrors of the families separated by Corona virus. Let's not get derailed by those who want to play this down. 

We all have healthcare professionals in our circles, or family in the hot spots. We are all Murphys. We are all tough!

So today, I'll don my mask and walk my dog. I'm now up to about 7 miles a day. It's gonna be 82 degrees. But. I'm healthy and strong and I have time to pray. I pray for all who are affected by this illness and those who soon will be. There's a zen and a smoothness to my life now. I don't have to pump the adrenaline of materialistic success. I can just be. And that is enough for today.  

All that Glitters

Times sure have changed all around me since I've sat myself down to write once again. It's been a long hiatus. My mentor, Patricia Reilly Giff, told me five years ago--when I started my work traveling and presenting to teachers I might very well leave my writing behind. Those words plagued me as I traveled, prepped, over-prepped and presented to teachers. But, I did love the work. I was on the go constantly and looked back only occasionally with chagrin. Had I left a part of myself behind?

The longing was always there. I promised myself when things settled down, I'd jumpstart my writing again. It would be easy, right?

Habits, at least for me, die hard. Writing requires commitment and continuous effort. The brain needs immersion. It needs to answer that longing, the attachment to the thoughts and ideas, the plot and problems and the feelings of the characters that live within the parameters of story. Good writers do all that and more.

So for now, I'm getting back into the saddle. All that glitters and shines? Well, all that stuff...the sparkly objects, have been removed. No flights, no travel plans, no social engagements. I'm here. In the present moment. Dog walks encompass the skeleton of my day. I'm masked and locked down.
Maybe now, I can take the small crawl back to the chair and into the words I've so loved, and so quickly left behind.

In the absence of the glitter, there are the very small sightings that do delight me each day. I no longer have to think big, be busy or assume a role out there in the world. My job, or so I've been told by everyone that loves me, is to stay healthy and therefore out of the hospital. To honor those whose enormous roles are the most important there is for today.

To all the biggest actors out there, the warriors, acting on our behalf, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so ever grateful for the love, the care and all the life breath and energy you are putting into the lives of those who are dangling between this life and the next.